The Eyes of March

Yes, you read that correctly. Not the Ides of March but the Eyes of March. This is what reportedly happened. I'll fill in what really happened if I have those facts available at press time. I don't know how I slept through all the excitement but I did. This is the story as it came across the AP.

TW was sound asleep on her side of the bed. When she sleeps, she brings the covers all the way up to her eyes because I a certain Mexican zombie cat named HHGutt attacks her during the night if any part of her is showing. [ED note: CK, you know it's you who attacks me.] One more remark like that Woman and I'm getting Pop to type this. He'll even draw blood through her nighties. Anyway, TW was all covered up while she slept when she awoke suddenly. Teeth were attached to her eyeball! My The lower jaw was on the bottom lid and my the top jaw on the upper lid. Some cat HHGutt was trying to pull her eyeball right out of the socket. She freaked and you know how scary that can be! She pried me him off and ran to the bathroom—muttering HBO words all the way—to see if the delicate skin was broken on her eyelid or if, Cod forbid, the actual eyeball was punctured. She said it hurt like a sonnamabitch, whatever that is.

Since she was up, she reluctantly gave me my breakfast since the attack took place at the exact time I usually get fed in the morning. At least Gutt got that right. I cannot imagine how such an attack could've taken place but I took the blame. TW said she had a headache for 2 days after that and I once again found myself sleeping with Pop. Can you believe that now when she does open her bedroom door, she's been sleeping with sunglasses on? She thought she was smart but not smart enough. A few days later, she awoke with a set of teeth clamped around her nose. Yep, this little ghetto kitteh again took the rap. If'n I had thumbs, HHGutt wouldn't be that smart cos he'd be making his way down the chute into the compacter room where all the garbage goes.