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Tale of the Turncoat

I was very sick last night and this morning and this could have been why. I'll recount my experience at the V-E-T some other day when I'm feeling better.
Do I look like a happy cat, woman?
You are not going to believe what The Woman did today. She left early to have lunch with her friend and then do some shopping. But I have connections. She cannot get away with anything without me finding out. Around 2:35, I get a call from my homeboy Jamal axing if TW is home. "No," I reply. He then tells me someone fitting her description is up the block FEEDING A STRAY CAT! My fur stood on end when I heard this. Apparently she bought some new cat food for me and this stray came up to her, mewing and rubbing, so she GAVE AWAY MY FOOD! My new food that I never got to taste. Just gave it away to some cat she'd never seen before! Like some hussy picking up a John. What I'd like to know is how that pussy knew TW had a can of cat food in her bag? Does she have x-ray vision? Was TW on the prowl for a cat to feed? Does Pop know TW is feeding strays on his dime?

She came home as proud as punch at her "good deed," and she then proceeded to rub it in my face by producing the hand that had been petting this other cat so I could smell my rival. I should have bitten it, but I was hungry for my own dinner and didn't want to anger her. As it was, she made me wait until 3:30 for my stinky goodness.

She said the "cat" was a "cute, sweet little domestic long hair"; a tortie with a nice floofy tail. What am I? Chopped liver? I'm the world's most stunning cat, woman! When you have the world's most stunning cat in your house, WHY YOU LOOKING AT ANOTHER CAT? If you were dating Derek Jeter, would you be looking at other guys?? Gasp! Can you feel some of the horror I was feeling at this point?

I digress. She even took pictures of the cat to rub in my face; but the best part is that they're on her phone and she doesn't know how to get them on the computer. She's sending them to her e-mail address! Is that rich or what! HAH! [Note from The Woman: And CK claims she could live with a brother or sister cat w/o getting jealous? Look at yourself, Baby Girl, you're beside yourself with jealousy.]

Woman, you erase that this instant! This is my blog! {**scuffle **blood **gore} I'm back. Sorry your sensitive eyes had to see that. I'm sorry that I don't take kindly to being cheated on by TW. Pop would NEVER do that to me. And, yes, I could live with a brother and sister as long as they're not that stray tortie with the floofy tail.

5 More Questions

I was tagged again to play the 5 questions game. Normally, since I played already—not to mention only 1 of the 5 furrends I tagged answered my brilliant questions—I'd say "$h*t on you." But I was axed by my special BFF Herbie_cat, who's been a little behind because of his illness and then his big move, so I won't be rude. Here goes:

1. When it comes to food would you consider yourself more a fan of savory or sweet?
Definitely savory. When Tuna Katt and I go out to eat, I almost always order Fancy Feast Savory Salmon Feast, although their Elegant Medleys Wild Salmon & Egg Souffle also delights my palate. Tuna prefers a simple helping or 2 of Friskies Tuna & Egg. My Tuna is partial to tuna.

2. If a genie came to you and granted you 3 wishes, what would they be?
That's a hard one. My first inclination would be to go all Pollyanna and say world peace, kill shelters only for humans, and free food for animals the world over but you know that's not me. My first wish would be to stop animal abuse and find good furever homes for all shelter and feral cats. I'm not talking about giving cats to jerks who marinate them in the trunks of their cars either. My 2nd wish would be to win the lottery so TW and Pop could both stay home and be there at my beck and call. We could also afford a bigger apartment where I'd have tons of room to run around and a cleaning lady to actually run a dust rag over the furniture and clean my litter boxes immediately after I use them. (There's a message for The Woman in there.) My 3rd wish would be for all Republicans and haters to MOVE OUT of my US of A. That includes Red Sox fans too. If you don't like Universal Healthcare, good luck trying to find a county that doesn't have it. Sarah Palin and her Tea Baggers can kiss my furry gray a$$ on their way out.

3. If given the choice would you rather read a book or see a movie? Why?
I'm a cat so I'd rather scurry up my cat tree or chase a coated rubber band or sleep. Pop watches movies but only after they come to tv or DVD. TW reads but she has the time.

4. If you won the lottery, what would be the first thing you and your peeps would buy?
"Seats between the Bases!" Sorry, that's an inside joke. Pop is no doubt busting a gut laughing right now. Prolly a bigger apartment, with a full NYC view. Then they'd finally get a flat-panel tv, which they'd already have if TW was working. If the lottery pay out was big enough, TW would prolly try to buy the Yankees! HAH! I just want an i-phone and i-pad.
I DARE you to put that on my head
5. What one place would you love to travel to more than any other? Why?
The Burba. To see my wonderful BFF Herba and his siblings, especially little Tiny Tim. I could eat at his Drive-In and put my smells in his new house.

Now, I should be axing 5 questions to 5 others but since I already did that with such a high success rate, I'll pass. Hope you have as much fun reading my answers as I've had typing them up.

The Faking of the Shrew

Last night I found out just how much my peeps love me. I faked being sick. Whispers: Actually I ate too much but don't tell them that or they'll cut me back.

I was my usually lovable, playful self all day. I got my 3:30 feeding of wet food and took awhile but gobbled it down. In the past week, the woman has started giving me half a can instead of a third of a can because I'm very active and she thought I was being starved. After chow, I had to lay around because she was preparing the human food, which consisted of "dat special chicken," which is what my fiance Tuna calls it. He also calls it "dat poifect chicken." It's breaded, baked chicken cutlets as only the woman makes it. I stay away when she prepares them because although she says she's "tenderizing" the chicken; frankly, it looks like she's beating the hell out of it.

When the peeps sat down to dinner, the woman gave me several small, cut-up pieces of dat special chicken, which I ate most of. Then I went to bed and that was the last the peeps saw of me until 8 pm, when I usually get a small amount of dry kibble. I always race to the kitchen because my Pop gives it to me and I'm Daddy's girl. Last night, I came in the foyer and stared at Pop and the kitchen. I didn't come get my food. I just stared at them.

Instead of eating, I wanted to play; but when it became clear that the peeps weren't going to play with me, I jumped up on my perch. Later the woman went in to take her bath. You know how much I like watching her wash with that stone; well, last night I stayed asleep on my perch. About 10:15 pm, Pop came back in the kitchen and asked if I wanted my kibble since he was going to bed soon. I didn't move. Pop came over the pet me and talk to me.

Stunning Keisha on my perch.
The woman came over next, with a worried look on her face. I'm the sort of cat who wants to be the center of attention. OK, I'm a diva, but I also have abandonment issues so I always follow them into whatever room they're in. They had been in Pop's room but I stayed on my perch in the foyer. Pop was watching Seinfeld DVDs and the woman was—where else—on the computer. She worried because I hadn't joined them. I stayed asleep on the perch.

Upon inspecting my sleeping body, she thought I seemed to be breathing harder than usual and that sent a panic through her entire body. She, in turn, had to panic Pop also by telling him they might be taking me to the V-E-T the next day. Listen, woman, Pop was just here and I get excited because I love Pop. She started crying. She started—I kid you not—praying that I be OK. All this and I didn't think she cared for or about me. Is that a tear forming in my eye? I'm really moved, woman.

Eleven o'clock came and she kissed me and turned the lights out, except for the big rock, er, salt lamp, in her room. Then I heard her whispering my name so I came in and jumped on my pillow where I always sleep. She laid awake about an hour or so, just listening to make sure my breathing was OK—it was—and then turned the lamp off and went to sleep.

Sure enough, at about 5 a.m. this morning, I was jumping off the bed and running in the kitchen for my kibble like I do every morning. I ate some and then got her back up an hour later so I could eat more. Today, I'm back to my old playful self so, hopefully, there's no emergency V-E-T visits in my future. I can't believe I have to pull stunts like this to find out the woman's true feelings for me.

What the hell is wrong w/people?

Little Navarro was being cooked
I was going to save this post for the next Blog the Change but this article just drove me over the edge. Buffalo police find cat 'marinating' in trunk of Gary Korkuc's car. It seems like at least once a week, the Daily News runs a similar story. I'm sure similar stories are run in papers in every community. What the hell is wrong with people? What makes it worse is the laws on animal cruelty are so lax that these people wind up with the proverbial "slap on the wrist." Isn't there enough evidence that folks that abuse animals also have no regard for human life? We've got to lobby our leaders to treat animal abuse seriously and toughen laws. Right now, there's no punishment harsh enough to make someone think twice.

Here's one from back in December. Slain cat's DNA leads to killer; brute stabbed little Madea with an umbrella, says ASPCA

"It was only a cat. Who cares?" said the man that stabbed Madea to death
Then there was my all-time "favorite": the two beasts who put poor little Tiger Lily in the oven, turned it up to 500 degrees and left the apartment so they wouldn't have to listen to the cat's screams. Bronx teen confesses to roasting kitten

"I hate cats," said 17-year-old Cheyenne Cherry.
I hope you've made it this far. The last one involves one stupid broad. Beau of Broadway actress Ashley Yeater arrested for viciously whipping her pet Yorkshire Terrier. This air-head forgave the idiot and chose him over her dog.

Emmit after being attacked.
What the hell IS wrong with people??

ADDENDUM: About 10 pages back in the same paper as the "marinating cat" story, there was another story about a man, who was arrested for starving his pet pit bull. The animal also had an untreated ulcer on his hip and his legs were infected. The article said this jerk "had a history of abusing animals." WHY WAS THIS GOON GIVEN ANOTHER ANIMAL??? I hope he didn't adopt from a shelter. If so, are shelters so desperate to adopt out animals that they don't do background checks and will give them to anyone with the cash? I'm very much against euthanasia; but if shelters will give pets to anyone regardless of their past, I'd rather see an animal put down peaceably than have to go through what Navarro, Madea, Tiger Lily and Emmit had to go through. What the hell is wrong with people?

What is Keisha looking at

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's ... I dunno what it is.

Don't mess w/me, woman

Gimme that [fill in the blank] or someone's gonna be in trouble
We found these pics last week and were wondering what could have my rapt attention like this. Maybe my adoring public has some ideas.

Keisha wants a pet

The past few weeks, many of my furrends have been getting little brothers or sisters or both. I don't begrudge their families the joy of watching a new cutie grow up. I APPLAUD that these kitties have found furever homes. In fact, I've been asking my peeps for a pet since Mitzi got carted off in a straight jacket, er, pet carrier that is.

The peeps say this apartment is too small to have multiple cats cos we won't have room to run around. I say but when you moved in here, you had 2 cats: Nickie and Autumn! They argue that those were older cats and they didn't run around. They also didn't get along so they had to be kept in separate rooms. So you're somehow blaming me for this, I say. I'm being punished because they didn't get along. Then I give them the finger. You know which one.

They say the woman has since found out that she's allergic to cats. I say SOOO, and that affects me how? Besides the other doctor said the test might've been a false positive since she's been exposed to cats. The she says, that doesn't explain why my throat closes up sometimes. I counter, woman, your mouth and your throat should be closed AT ALL TIMES!

The next argument is that we only have one income now so we can't afford the extra cat food and V-E-T visits. I answer, woman, get off your lazy duff and GET A JOB!!

The peeps try for the knockout blow: you're a very jealous cat. If we brought another cat in and gave it attention, you'd either kill the cat or us. WHISTLE! LOW BLOW! Now my fur is standing up on my back and my ears are back! I get along very well with other cats! Catsui used to come in here all the time and we got on wonderfully. Whatever are you talking about?

Then they bring up the pretend cats. The woman likes them. She calls them "stuffed animals" but I know better. They're real but they refuse to play with me. They mock me and get me in trouble. Then they get picked up and cuddled. That is not right. Anyway, the peeps bring up that every time they pick up or go near the pretend cats, I attack them and they're afraid it will intensify if the cats are real. I'm beside myself now. I attack you? I do no such thing. Those pretend cats attack you, not me. I'm not a hater! You cannot prove it is I who attacks you.
Keisha w/pretend cats including my nemesis HHGut. As you can see, I interact very well with other cats.
So there you have it: their lies vs my facts. Please let the peeps know that their fabrications are weak and that I NEED a pet to play with and care for.